One Ring To Rule Them All: That Classic Doomsday Machine

Ah, the infamous doomsday machine: a machine that has the potential to destroy the world if it falls into the wrong hands. Of course, there's one that stands out as the "classic": the Ring To Rule Them All, that infamous ring from the series Lord of the Rings, written some time last century by JRR Tolkien.

Long story short, (if you haven't read the books, shame on you. If you haven't seen the movies, have you been living under a rock?) it's the  Quest To Rule Them All, where said ring has to be destroyed in a volcano that lies right in the heart of enemy territory. Nooo, it's not just any of the many volcanoes that (presumably) dot Middle Earth (including Lonely Mountain, starring mountain of The Hobbit), but it just has to be that one: Mt. Doom. Strangely exclusive - what's so special about that mountain? Extra-hot lava? Oh well, it makes perfect sense in terms of actually writing a decent story. Story is all-important, but when it starts requiring appendices and other miscallenous crap... now may be a good time to step back just a little and... yeah.

Though, LoTR is the series that defined a genre - it even has a map in the front. And there's more! To show it's being serious, there's even maps in the back too! Look, if I want a decent fantasy novel and I'm not sure whether to buy it or not (Discworld excluded, that is awesome) ... I take a look in the front cover. If it doesn't have a decent map, then it's not worth buying. All because of Lord of the Rings making me want a map in the front for a fantasy novel that's worth its money. I want to be able to visualise the world correctly.

Anyways, what am I getting at?

Oh yes. I read the books again.

Now, the last time I read the trilogy from back-to-front (not including the appendices, these are mind-bogglingly boring), it was before the movies had come out. Now, let's see: just how badly did the movies ruin the books?

Quite a bit, actually. While the movies were very good, they just missed out too freaking much, particularly one scene, involving the infamous Tom Bombadil and prancing through the Old Forest... why wasn't that included? I haven't gotten too far into the books, so more as I read each chapter. I'm up to the Weathertop bit (mercifully included in the movie, though I don't like Frodo in said movie all that much anyway, that same mortified expression time and time again :P).

The books were originally divided into six (usually bound as a trilogy though). Why not do the same with the movies? Sure, they've already been done - this would've been actually relevant in 2003 - but what if? What would have happened if there were six parts to this whole thing? Six times three hours... that would be madness. On the other hand, at least they wouldn't miss anything. On the flip side, however, there's lots of boring crap that goes on in the books that could be best left out to keep the action going.

But would it appeal to the need for quick gratification? Probably not: 9 hours was enough, 18 would be overkill, in today's culture. But it would be nice, you know.

And, of course, there's the new film adaptation of The Hobbit coming soon to theaters near you next year... let's see how badly Hollywood ruins that. Oh, it'll be good, but I wonder what stuff they'll cut out this time.


And speaking of overwritten fantasy novels, Robert Jordan's final novel has come out. But there's a catch: it's a three-parter. Considering the first part has approximately 800 pages... times that by three, and you've got a truly epic 2400 pages for a final novel. I can't wait for the three-in-one volume set to come out... so I can laugh at just how much profit-grabbing the publishers are doing by releasing the book as three separate parts.

I'll be reading Two Towers next... ah, the finest filler ever written. Where nothing actually happens (apart from a certain event involving a bunch of pissed-off trees)... but yet. Yet it feels as if something is actually happening.


Well, as for doomsday machines: there's nothing quite like a ring. Sure it's only a bit of gold... but the way Tolkien writes about it gives it its own menacing character all of its own... especially in the nature of how it escaped Gollum in The Hobbit.

There are other doomsday devices, but I'll get to them eventually, maybe in a future blog post or something.

-- SA